This is your life...you've made it this far.....

Ever listen to those lyrics?
Here they are.....the song is called Welcome to wherever you are by Bon Jovi

Maybe we're different, but we're still the same

We all got the blood of Eden, running through our veins

I know sometimes it's hard for you to see

You come between just who you are and who you wanna be

If you feel alone, and lost and need a friend

Remember every new beginning, is some beginning's end

[Chorus]

Welcome to wherever you are

This is your life, you made it this far

Welcome, you gotta believe

That right here right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be

Welcome, to wherever you are

When everybody's in, and you're left out

And you feel your drowning, in a shadow of a doubt

Everyones a miracle in their own way

Just listen to yourself, not what other people say

When it seems you're lost, alone and feeling down

Remember everybody's different

Just take a look around

[Chorus]

Be who you want to, be who you are

Everyones a hero, everyones a star

When you wanna give up, and your hearts about to break

Remember that you're perfect, God makes no mistakes

[Chorus]

 

This is one of those songs that is fitting for many points in life, but right now it helps me get through this part of my journey.  I have not been on here in quite some time.  There is a reason behind it, and not just being busy.  I had planned to just keep this blog about this house, but somehow this house is also a part of this life and what happens along the way.  We've been working on expanding our family for the past 3 yrs, with many difficulties.  We finally found out that our family would be expanding by 2 feet, one little rascal, the end of June.  We kept it a secret until the end of July before we shared with our parents/families about the excitement.  Our chances of miscarriage at this point dropped to 5% .....or so we were told.  One week after telling everyone, the heart of our little miracle stopped beating.  My(our) life stopped, dead in its tracks.  It did the same thing just a week prior, but for a good reason.  When you hear the heartbeat of your future child for the first time, your world stands still.  Completely still.  It cannot be explained, but only felt.  I don't know if it feels any different when you've been waiting 3 yrs to hear that moment or not, but my world stood still and I'd give anything to go back to that moment.  I was happy beyond all belief......and little did I know, one week later I would be watching the screen and being told that, that same heartbeat was no longer present.  Again my world stopped but in a dark, numbing, how do I move forward kind of way.  I had dreams for that baby, we waited so long, and we've been through so much.....this was not possible.  

While I knew that it was all over, I somehow hoped that if I went home and laid still that maybe the heartbeat would come back miraculously(even though I am not that naïve and knew there wasn't a chance in the world....when you are numb like that, you do weird things).  We had a follow up appt. a  few days later to make sure nothing changed and discuss the next steps of this horrible process.  The Dr. suggested that having a natural miscarriage was the best because it is not invasive.  Due to the struggles we had had, the least invasive was best.  A D&C was said to possibly cause scaring that would prevent implantation in future pregnancies. So we embarked on the natural process.....3wks went by and not much had taken place.  It was hard knowing that the baby was still there, because it meant I could not fully move forward.  It was time to do something more.  To prevent infection and further issues, the Dr provided us a drug for me to take that would cause my body to go into labor to deliver our 'lost' dream.  That was a terribly painful week in every kind of way.  The process began on Monday, and finally wrapped up on Friday(I'll spare you the details, but horrible...would explain that).  Nothing anyone tells you, or explains to you compares to what you feel/experience. NOTHING!  There are no words, no description.

The weeks that follow are painful physically for the first few days/week and then it is mostly emotionally healing.  I was not seen again by the Dr which is still perplexing to me but they had me get blood work to follow my pregnancy numbers down.  Then things started to get interesting.  It's the part I was least prepared for, the part you least expect.  People start telling you how to feel, how to 'get better' or 'get over' things.  Really?!  Think before you speak.  I was even told at one point that I was not sad enough. Again, Really?! Do you know how many shattered pieces of my heart lay in this floor as you look at me?  No.  Absolutely not.  You do not know or feel the pain I carry each day.  Friends had begun to disappear, or not respond to my contact.  I understand, that sometimes it's hard and you don't have words for a situation, but to ignore, not respond....that's the worst thing to do.  Especially when you need the support the most.  If I don't want to talk, I will tell you.  Do not assume.  Sometimes the best person says nothing at all besides, I'm here.  I started to learn a lot about life during this time.  What I could handle(which was more than I previously thought) and who was there for me regardless.  It was at this point that I decided that maybe it was time to rethink how I was living my life.  Certain individuals stepped forward to care/show concern for my situation that I never thought of.  People I expected to be there went MIA and that said a lot too.  It made me think about how I invest my time with the people in my life, and who I hold close.  Maybe this happened for a reason.  Then I saw this quote.....

"The best thing about the worst part of your life, is that you get to see the true colors of everyone."

I've been changed forever.  My life will never be the same.  I fear that the next pregnancy will be scary, and will lack that carefree excitement I had this time.  However I've seen those who have done it and they provide me with courage to move forward.  I'm thankful to and for every woman who has walked this same path, was willing to share their heartaches and struggles with me, and provided me a glimmer of hope. You are amazing women because many of you have been through this more than once.  You all deserve a cape!  Thank you for the hugs, thank you for the advice, thank you for the hope, thank you for being there, and helping me even in the littlest ways.  And for those of you who have not walked this path but were just there to listen, sent me a text to say you were thinking of me, or just whisked me away to do something fun.....thank you.  Thank you for not assuming, and treating me like a real human.   Those who have ignored, disappeared, or tried to tell me what to do to 'get over things' I'm sorry for you.  The worst thing you can do is to assume you know how I feel.  No matter how hard you try, you will never know, so instead of making assumptions, ask.

So, after several weeks, I thought this whole process was wrapping up and would be over.  However, the exact opposite happened.  I started having crazy bleeding.  The first couple times happened at home thankfully but the next 2 happened while at work.   I ended up in the ER one day because it just wouldn't stop and I started to get very shaky/dizzy.  Of course the ER was the last place I wanted to be!  After 6.5 hrs, we left with no real answers beyond, nothing being seriously wrong.  Maybe just some left over products of conception and a need for a D&C.  I was directed to follow up with the Drs that week.   Well by mid week, I had what felt like a 2nd miscarriage at work (spare you the gory details) and the Dr finally scheduled that surgery.  So here I sit, home from work today.  This journey is something I could not have ever imagined embarking on, surviving, or even talking about in this way...but my hope is that I can help someone else.  Just the same as all the women who have helped me.  So this is my life...I have made it this far. And, I  intend on going even further.


The lessons learned, the strength of our marriage that continues to emerge each and every day, the hope that is instilled for a better outcome next time, and the smile I put on my face despite the pain I harbor in my heart are all things that make me grateful for this life.....wherever I am in my journey.  I've made it this far.  And with that, I will leave you with one more quote that I found recently....

"Your miracle may be taking a long time, but God didn't bring you this far to leave you."

I hope in some way that this helps someone else to talk about their 'journey' or may this serve as a reminder that you are not alone, and others have walked this same path.  You can do it, no matter how hard each day may feel.